Transkript

1 Om du vill ha ledigt en dag, glöm det! C h e f e n s motivering -Så du vill ta ledigt en dag...? Vet du egentligen vad du begär?! -Året har 365 dagar, men du jobbar inte varje dag. Under årets 52 veckor har du ledigt 2 dagar varje vecka. Då återstår 261 dagar. Du är ledig 16 timmar varje dag, det blir sammanlagt 170 dagar. Då återstar 91 dagar att arbeta. Varje dag tar du ut en timmes lunch, det blir sammanlagt 48 dagar. Nu återstår 43 dagar. Du behöver inte jobba på 6 röda dagar under året. Det blir 37 dagar kvar. Varje dag tar du kafferast 10 minuter, totalt 11 dagar. Kvar finns 26 arbetsdagar. Sen har du en semester på 25 dar. Då återstår bara en enda dag och den förstår du väl att du inte kan ta ledigt Ett plan hade kraschat och alla överlevande hade simmat till en öde ö det var ett gäng tyskar, några engelsmän och en japan.efter några dagar började tyskarna organisera upp arbetet på ön. En av tyskarna sa: I m the minister of finance och en annan sa I m the minister of defense och efter ett tag hade alla personer fått ministerposter utom japanen som verkade lite deppig. De andra märkte det och en kom på en idé: You could be the minister of supplies! Japanen blev kanonglad och sprang rätt in i skogen och försvann. Efter några dagar blev de andra oroliga och bestämde sig för att gå in i skogen och leta efter honom. Allihopa gick in i den mörka hemska skogen och helt plötsligt hoppade japanen fram och skrek: SUPPLIES!!!! An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with How much is two plus two? The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, Four. The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced Four. The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked How much do you want it to be? Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low grade Motel 6 type establishment. The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates. The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and told St. Peter, I m really quite surprised at

2 these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small accommodations. St. Peter replied, We have over a hundred Popes here, and we re really very bored with them. We ve never had a lawyer. Question: Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers? Answer: No. Reply: Good! Why don t snakes bite attorneys? Professional courtesy. How can you tell that an attorney is about to lie? His lips begin to move. How can you tell the difference between an attorney lying dead in the road and a coyote lying dead in the road? With the coyote, you usually see skid marks. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? How many can you afford? An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a three year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell. When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, We have all of the judges. As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, I m going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me. All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin. The physician then said, Well, since we re confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn t put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn t afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that. The lawyer then said, I m ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000. The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision: 1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats. 2. The medical researchers don t become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats. 3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won t do. A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked Give it to me straight. How long have I got? The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said Call for my lawyer. When the

3 lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I d check out the same way. What do you get if you send the Godfather to law school? An offer you can t understand. A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog. The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, Hippocrates, come! Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts. The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, Sliderule, come! Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie. The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called Bullshit, come! Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff. Bullshit immediately sodomized the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf. Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff. The bus was destroyed and there were no survivors. Bad News: There were three empty seats. What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand. What s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman pinscher. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer. A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. I m much too young to die! I m only 35! St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case. When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, I m afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you ve billed to your clients, and you re at least 108. A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the point where the pathways meet. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap. When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating

4 concerning the problems of being blind. The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was. The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, You ve got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit! The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake s body for a few minutes, he asserted, Well, you re scaly, you re slimy, you ve got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you ve got a forked tongue. I think you re a lawyer! A man walked into a curio shop and began to browse. He was attracted to a brass rat on a shelf behind the counter. He asked the shopkeeper for a price, and was told to make an offer. Presently they agreed on a price, and the brass rat changed hands. The shopkeeper warned the customer as he took the money, This sale is final. If you leave the shop with the brass rat, I won t take it back under any circumstances. The customer agreed and left with the rat. As he walked home, he noticed that a live rat came scurrying out of an alley and began to follow him. Soon there were more, all following him and milling bout his feet. The man began to run, but the rats kept up, and more joined the procession. After a few minutes, thousands of rats were chasing after the man. The man ran frantically for the river, and threw the brass rat into the water. The live rats followed the brass rat, and soon all had drowned. The man returned to the curio shop, and on seeing him enter, the shopkeeper shouted, I told you, the sale was final! You cannot return the brass rat! The customer replied, That s no problem. I just wondered if you had a brass lawyer in stock. A police chief, a fire chief, and a city manager were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn. Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig. The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief. A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O Leary s cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman s worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn. This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the

5 occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs. A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man. The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked Mommy, why did they bury two men there? An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife s soul, your children s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents in law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners. The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, So, what s the catch? Everyone knows: Knowledge is power, Time is Money. And, as every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time Therefore if: Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money Then: Knowledge = Work / Money Solving for Money we get: Money = Work / Knowledge Thus, Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches zero, regardless of the work done. What this means is: The less you know, the more you make. The bad news is: If you understand this, then you likely have a large knowledge base and are therefore subject to making less money. Damn Shame. En gammal go story! Two aliens land in Metro Detroit, and they happen to land next to a gas station. So, the aliens waddle out of their ship and look around...the first thing they see that resembles a being is the gas pump. The two aliens approach and the first one says Earthling, take me to your leader! Of course he gets no response...the first alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again... Earthling, I said take me to your leader! Of course, still no response... The alien then turns to his buddy and says If this Earthling doesn t show me some respect and at least acknowledge me, I m going to blast him!! At that the second alien replies, OK. I m just going to stand down the road. The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to walk away. He then addresses the pump a third time... Earthling take me to your leader! Still nothing. So the alien then pulls out his ray gun and vaporizes the pump...

6 The gas station goes up in a huge explosion, blowing the alien all the way down the block to his buddy. He gets up, dusts himself off, and turns to the second Alien. If you knew that was going to happen why didn t you warn me!? The second replies Well, I didn t know exactly *what* was going to happen. But there s no way I m gonna mess with a guy who s dick hangs to the ground, wraps around his body twice, and is still long enough to stick in his left ear A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says I bet $50 that no-one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can t play. The people in the bar look around and someone fetches an old guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the guitar. The octopus s owner pockets the fifty bucks. Next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks its lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus s owner. The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts it on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, Now, if your octopus can play that I ll give you a hundred dollars. The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has another look from another angle. Puzzled, the octopus owner comes up and says What are you pissing around for? Hurry up and play the damn thing! The octopus says Play it? If I can work out how to get its pyjamas off I m gonna fuck it! TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH : 1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay 2. Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time 3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog s legs 4. If there s a war you can surrender really early 5. You don t have to read the subtitles on those late night films on SBS. 6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people s countries 7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star 8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride 9. You don t have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street 10. People think you re a great lover even when you re not TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN : You can have a woman president without electing her 2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it 3. You can call Budweiser beer 4. You can be a crook and still be president 5. If you ve got enough money you can get elected to do anything 6. If you can breathe you can get a gun 7. You can invent a new public holiday every year 8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.

7 9. You get to call everyone you ve never met buddy 10. You can think you re the greatest nation on earth when you re not at all. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH : 1. Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah doo-dah 2. Warm beer 3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket 4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events 5. Union jack underpants 6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer 7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power. 8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not 9. Ditto changing underwear 10. Beats being Welsh. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN : 1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes 2. Unembarrassed to wear fur. 3. No need to worry about tax returns 4. Glorious military history... well, till about 400 a.d. 5. Can wear sunglasses inside 6. Political stability 7. Flexible working hours 8. Live near the Pope 9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend s armpit hair 10. Country run by Sicilian murderers TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH : Glorious history of killing South American tribes 2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees 3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc 4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans 5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it s the real thing 6. Honesty 7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls 8. You get to eat said bulls testicles 9. Gibraltar 10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN : 1. In-built sense of pacifism 2. In-built sense of pacifism 3. In-built sense of pacifism 4. In-built sense of pacifism 5. In-built sense of pacifism 6. In-built sense of pacifism 7. In-built sense of pacifism 8. In-built sense of pacifism 9. In-built sense of pacifism 10. In-built sense of pacifism TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN : Chicken Madras 2. Lamb Passanda 3. Onion Bhaji 4. Bombay Potatoes 5. Chicken Tikka Masala 6. Rogan Josh 7. Popadoms 8. Chicken Dopiaza 9. Meat Boona 10. Kingfisher lager TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH: You ve got to be having a laugh, haven t you?!?!?!? TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH : 1. Guinness children becuase you can t use contraceptives 3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone s road 4. Pubs never close 5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican

8 Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can t have sex with a condom on. 6. No one can ever remember the night before 7. Kill people you don t agree with 8. Stew 9. More Guiness 10. Eating stew and drinking guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN : 1. It beats being an American. 2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground. 3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors. 4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground. 5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe? 6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise. 7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground. 8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge fuckoff shotguns and cover your house in their skins 9. Own-an-eskimo scheme. 10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN: 1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard that no civilised nation on earth wanted. 2. Victoria Bitter 3. Dispossess Abbos who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you. 4. Annihilate England every time you play them at cricket. 5. Tact and sensitivity. 6. Bondi Beach. 7. Other beaches. 8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals (especially in Tasmania) 9. Drinking cold lager on the beach 10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach. A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, This is phenomenal. You ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I m sorry...we can t hire you. But wait, he said. If I take two aspirin, I ll stop winking! Really? Great! Show me! So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it pen, swallows the pills, and stops winking. Well, said the interviewer, that s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over, the country! Womanizing? What do you mean? I m a happily married man! Well then, how do you explain all these condoms? Oh, that, he sighed. Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?

9 A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. Well sister, this looks pretty grim I know, father. the nun answered. In fact, I don t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two. Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me? Anything father. I have never seen a woman s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours Well, under the circumstances don t see that it would do any harm The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. Sister would you mind if I touched them? She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. Father, could I ask something of you? yes sister? I have never seen a man s penis. Could I see yours? I suppose that would be OK, the priest said lifting his robe Oh father, may I touch it? This time the priest consented and almost immediately he was sporting a huge erection. Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life. Is that true father? Yes it is, sister. Then why don t you stick it up that camel s ass and lets get the hell out of here Hej! en liknelse... INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft s rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: <<\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\ /yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme. If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter <<ms.good/tryagain\again/again.please. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn t work, contact your

10 hardware vendor. Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don t want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after 98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway. Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses: 1. Now doctor, isn t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn t know about it until the next morning? 2. The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? 3. Were you present when your picture was taken? 4. Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere. 5. Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war? 6. Did he kill you? 7. How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? 8. You were there until the time you left, is that true? 9. How many times have you committed suicide? 10. Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8 th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time?

11 11. Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? 12. Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? 13. Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn t you? A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife? 14. Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by who s death was it terminated? 15. Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? 16. Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 17. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. 18. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. 19. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. 20. Q: You were not shot in the fracas? A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel. 21. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? A: I have been since early childhood. For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. You ve been such exemplary statues, he announced to them, That I m going to give you a special gift. I m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want. And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. You still have fifteen more minutes, said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I ll shit on it s head. There s a big conference of all the beer producers around the country. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies

12 decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud, the president of Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody s amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke! Why don t you order a Guinness? his colleagues ask. Naah. That s okey. If you guys don t want to drink beer, then neither will I.... /Mr X The Koala and the Prostitute There was a koala bear who was approached by a prostitute one day. He had never been with a prostitute before. Curious and excited, the Koala spent the night with her and had a GREAT time... The next morning, he went down on her one last time before departing. After he s done, the Koala headed for the door and was about to leave when the prostitute yelled, hey...what about my money? Confused, the koala turned around, gave her a puzzled look, shrugging his shoulders, and replied Huh? Come here... she said and pulled a dictionary out of her purse. She pointed to the word prostitute and its definition: has sex and gets paid. Finally understanding, the koala borrowed her dictionary, turned to the word koala and showed her its definition: eats bush and leaves There was this poor fellow by the name of Fred. Fred was so self-conscious because he had a fake eye, a wooden eye. Whenever Fred talked to someone he was sure they were looking at his wooden-eye. Fred never had a date in his life, but on the advice of a friend, he decided to try his luck at a dance. So at the dance Fred notices all the girls there are too pretty to want to dance with him, until he sees a woman sitting all alone. Fred notices this woman. like him, has an physical deformity. She has a bad hare lip. Fred decides to ask the o woman to dance. Excuse me miss, Fred asks, but would you like to dance with me? So excited that someone has taken an interest in her, the woman shouts out, uhhh...would I?!...WOULD I?!! To which the ever self-conscious Fred responds, HARE LIP! HARE LIP! What is black,fury and rolls around? A baby covered in tarantulas.

13 What do yo do if a blonde girl throws a grenade at you? remove the pin and throw it back. What do you do if a blonde girl throws a pin at you? run like hell she has a grenade in her mouth. how do blonde brain cells die? lonely what do you call a blonde with two brain cells? gifted or pregnant. What dou you call a blode girl who just lost 99 percent of her intelligenc e? divorced. What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs? Nice tits/arse What does a blonde do in the morning? get up get packed and goes home. what is red and silver and bumps into walls? A baby with forks in its eyes PASSING EXAMS A student comes to a young professor s office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. I would do *anything* to pass this exam. She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. I mean... she whispers,...i would do...*anything*. He returns her gaze. Anything? *Anything*., she breathes His voice softens. *Anything*?? *Anything*., her eyes dreamy with antipipation His voice turns to a whisper. Would you...*study*? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~ A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. Well sister, this looks pretty grim I know, father. the nun answered. In fact, I don t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two. Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me? Anything father. I have never seen a woman s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours Well, under the circumstances don t see that it would do any harm The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. Sister would you mind if I touched them? She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. Father, could I ask something of you?

14 yes sister? I have never seen a man s penis. Could I see yours? I suppose that would be OK, the priest said lifting his robe Oh father, may I touch it? This time the priest consented and almost immediately he was sporting a huge erection. Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life. Is that true father? Yes it is, sister. Then why don t you stick it up that camel s ass and lets get the hell out of here Hej! en liknelse... INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft s rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: <<\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\ /yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme. If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter <<ms.good/tryagain\again/again.please. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn t work, contact your hardware vendor. Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don t want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after 98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

15 Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses: 1. Now doctor, isn t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn t know about it until the next morning? 2. The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? 3. Were you present when your picture was taken? 4. Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere. 5. Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war? 6. Did he kill you? 7. How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? 8. You were there until the time you left, is that true? 9. How many times have you committed suicide? 10. Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8 th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? 11. Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? 12. Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? 13. Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn t you? A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife? 14. Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by who s death was it terminated? 15. Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? 16. Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 17. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. 18. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. 19. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. 20. Q: You were not shot in the fracas? A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel. 21. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

16 A: I have been since early childhood. For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. You ve been such exemplary statues, he announced to them, That I m going to give you a special gift. I m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want. And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. You still have fifteen more minutes, said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I ll shit on it s head. There s a big conference of all the beer producers around the country. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud, the president of Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody s amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke! Why don t you order a Guinness? his colleagues ask. Naah. That s okey. If you guys don t want to drink beer, then neither will I.... /A The Koala and the Prostitute There was a koala bear who was approached by a prostitute one day. He had never been with a prostitute before. Curious and excited, the Koala spent the night with her and had a GREAT time... The next morning, he went down on her one last time before departing. After he s done, the Koala headed for the door and was about to leave when the prostitute yelled, hey...what about my money? Confused, the koala turned around, gave her a puzzled look, shrugging his shoulders, and replied Huh? Come here... she said and pulled a dictionary out of her purse. She pointed to the word prostitute and its definition: has sex and gets paid. Finally understanding, the koala borrowed her dictionary, turned to the word koala and showed her its definition: eats bush and leaves

17 There was this poor fellow by the name of Fred. Fred was so self-conscious because he had a fake eye, a wooden eye. Whenever Fred talked to someone he was sure they were looking at his wooden-eye. Fred never had a date in his life, but on the advice of a friend, he decided to try his luck at a dance. So at the dance Fred notices all the girls there are too pretty to want to dance with him, until he sees a woman sitting all alone. Fred notices this woman. like him, has an physical deformity. She has a bad hare lip. Fred decides to ask the o woman to dance. Excuse me miss, Fred asks, but would you like to dance with me? So excited that someone has taken an interest in her, the woman shouts out, uhhh...would I?!...WOULD I?!! To which the ever self-conscious Fred responds, HARE LIP! HARE LIP! What is black,fury and rolls around? A baby covered in tarantulas. What do yo do if a blonde girl throws a grenade at you? remove the pin and throw it back. What do you do if a blonde girl throws a pin at you? run like hell she has a grenade in her mouth. how do blonde brain cells die? lonely what do you call a blonde with two brain cells? gifted or pregnant. What dou you call a blode girl who just lost 99 percent of her intelligenc e? divorced. What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs? Nice tits/arse What does a blonde do in the morning? get up get packed and goes home. what is red and silver and bumps into walls? A baby with forks in its eyes PASSING EXAMS A student comes to a young professor s office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. I would do *anything* to pass this exam. She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. I mean... she whispers,...i would do...*anything*. He returns her gaze. Anything?

18 *Anything*., she breathes His voice softens. *Anything*?? *Anything*., her eyes dreamy with antipipation His voice turns to a whisper. Would you...*study*? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~ Something to read during your coffe break, Jannike! Why dogs make better companions than women... Dogs don t cry. Dogs love it when your friends come over. Dogs don t care if you use their shampoo. Dogs think you sing great. A dog s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink. Dogs don t expect you to call when you are running late. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs. Dogs don t notice if you call them by another dog s name. Dogs are excited by rough play. Dogs don t mind if you give their offspring away. Dogs understand that farts are funny. Dogs love red meat. Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair. Anyone can get a good-looking dog. Dogs don t shop. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor. A dog s disposition stays the same all month long. Dogs never need to examine the relationship. A dog s parents never visit. Dogs love long car trips. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions. Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted. When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it. Dogs like beer. No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album. No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. Dogs never expect gifts. It s legal to keep a dog chained up at your house. Dogs don t worry about germs. Dogs don t want to know about every other dog you ever had. Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in. Dogs don t let magazine articles guide their lives. Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner that a lobster one. You never have to wait for a dog. They re ready to go 24 hours a day. Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry. Dogs don t borrow your shirts. Dogs never want foot-rubs. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public. Dogs find you amusing when you re drunk. Dogs can t talk. Dogs aren t chatty. ********************************************************************* Did you enjoy it? /Mr X ********************************************************************* Two aliens land in the middle of outback Australia, near a recently abandoned petrol station.the first alien goes up to the petrol pump (which he assumes to be an earthling) and says take me to your

19 leader. The petrol pump doesn t say anything (naturally). The alien gets annoyed and demands again, Take me to your leader. When the petrol pump still doesn t reply, the alien gets mad and tells the petrol pump that if he doesn t start talking, he will blast him. At this point the second alien nervously interrupts err, Sir, I don t think you should..., But the first alien will not be deterred and he blasts away. There is a huge explosion, and after the smoke clears the blackened aliens discover themselves lying 50 yards away from their destroyed space ship. You see sir, said the second alien, I didn t think it >would be wise to mess with a guy who can wrap his dick around his waist and stick it in his ear. hej A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality? His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, I ll display it to you. Ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you ve learned. The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford? His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, Don t tell your father but yes, I I would. Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt? His sister looks up and says, Oh my gosh! Definitely! The kid goes back to his father and says, Dad, I think I ve figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality we are living with a couple of whores. Det var en norrman som satt i en Bastu. Så kom det in en Neger med en enorm dragg. Normannen spärrade upp ögonen och sade. UJJ, dé där var en kaempedragg, å så aer den svart. Si maj min gode man, hur skall man bäre sig åt för å få en slik? Negern, som tyckte det var en ovanligt korkad fråga, tänkte att det skulle vara kul och skoja med norrmannen lite så han svarade: Jo, du skall ta en 5 kilos vikt och knyta fast i draggen med ett snöre och när du har gått med den i några dagar så skall du se att den har blivit större. Åhhh, saeger du de du svarade Norrmannen imponerat och skyndade sig iväg. 1 vecka senare mötte Negern norrmannen nere på Nordsta n av en händelse. Han kunde inte låta bli att fråga hur det hade gått med experimentet. Jo, du svarade Norrmannen glatt. De går dejelit! Jaj har nu gått me draggen i snöre å me 5 kilos torskesaenke på innensiden hosene mine å den har redan börje å bli svart på toppen

20 Det var en dvärg som satt i en bastu, när dörren plötsligt öppnar sig och in kommer en neger med en jättedragg hängandes mellan benen. Han sätter sig jämte dvärgen, det går en liten stund, sedan tänker negern att det kanske är bäst att presentera sig, så han vänder sig mot dvärgen räcker fram höger hand och säger: Tony Brown, varvid dvärgen svimmade. Konstigt tänkte negern, lyfte upp dvärgen, bar ut honom till duschen och spolade kallt vatten i ansiktet så att han kvicknade till igen. Varför svimmade du frågade negern? Jag tyckte du sa turn around svarade dvärgen! ROLIGT! BARA LITE FRÄCK Så var det mannen och kvinnan som älskade med varandra, och plötsligt hör de ett ljud från hallen. Det är min man!, utbrister kvinnan bestört. Mannen kastade sig ut genom fönstret, men hann inte få med sig sina kläder. Han stod utanför huset bland buskarna en stund och funderade hur han skulle ta sig därifrån. Till råga på allt så började det regna också. Då kom det ett gäng joggare förbi så han hoppade in bland dem. Efter en stund frågar en av joggarna: Brukar du alltid jogga naken? Och mannen svarade att det gjorde han. Efter ett tag frågar joggaren igen: Brukar du alltid ha kondom på dig också? Nej, bara när det regnar... A guy walks into a bar. There s a big sign which says free beer for life to first person who can pass the test!. What test? the guys asks. Well ya see, there s a tradition that the first guy who can pass the three challenges gets free beer for life, But no one s ever done it. > First, there s a gallon of pepper tequila, and you have to drink the whole thing at once, AND you can t make a face while doing it. > If that doesn t kill you, then there s an aligator out back with a sore tooth, and you need to go out there and remove it with your bare hands. > Finally, there s a woman upstairs who s never had an orgasm ever. You need to make things right for her. > Yeah, well thanks but no. That sounds crazy. I mean what kind of idiot would drink that much pepper tequila, and it gets crazier from there. > But, as often happens in bars, the man drinks a few beers. And in the fullness of time, what used to sound crazy now seems like a real good idea. > Shhwears zat Pepper Tekeela? he urps. First he grabs a hold of the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands, and knocks it back in big slurps with tears streaming down his face. > Next, he staggers out the back door. And soon all inside hear the